Blog Originally Published: February 18, 2008 - 2:11 PM
Because You’re Bored (& Maybe b/c you Agree Girl Scouts are the Devil) You’ll Read This
Okay, ladies and genitals (Thanks, John),
I've just returned from the lake (Yes, I'm gonna bore you with more stories/observations/dribble from the lake. You know me by now. Get over it.) and I've come to some conclusions about a few things.
A.) Seinfeld had it SO right about people that don't swing their arms when they run or walk! What is up with that? How the hell is it even possible? Now, me... well, I'm more like Phoebe when I'm down at the lake.
2.) People that jerk their dogs by yanking on the leash should be shot. I know it's necessary sometimes, like when they're approached by another dog who seems ready to 'throw down,' but if you MUST yank your dog to get it to behave, please, PLEASE put it in a harness rather than a collar. I just feel so bad when I see a dog getting pulled back by the throat and their eyes look like they're gonna bulge out of their head! I'll never do that to my dog when I get one. (Yes, I said WHEN. It's gonna happen. Oh, don't look doubtful. It will. And you know what? YOU'RE gonna get it for me. Yes you are. YES. You're getting sleepy... you suddenly have the urge to get Erica a dog... preferably one that's small... and doesn't lick... or bark... When I snap my fingers you'll wake back up. *Snap* So... feel like dog shopping today? No? But you DO feel like getting some Vietnamese food? Damn. Guess my power to hypnotize is a little rusty. Ah well... let's go eat some dog. KIDDING! Geez. Don't be so sensitive. Imsonotkidding.)
37.) Sometimes when I see a homeless person (I can probably never run for president after saying this... ah, who am I kidding? If Hillary Clinton can... Yes, I'm an Obama fan, but that's beside the point.) I think, maybe it wouldn't be SO bad. Yes, you wouldn't have a roof over your head in awful weather. Yes, you wouldn't have someone to care for you when you get ill. Yes, you'd always have to worry about where your next meal is coming from... okay... where was I going with this? lol! Oh yes! BUT, say you DIDN'T have to worry about those things. No one to report to. You do what you want. Go where you want. Constantly experience new places and things. In a sense it'd be the ultimate form of living. No pampering at all. But you'd be free. free as a bird, some might say...
LASTLY) Girls Scouts are evil little demon bitches. I've just worked out, right... in my little work-out clothes, carrying my little smoothie, feeling good... and I stop at Blockbuster to return a movie (Across the Universe) and I hear in a tiny voice, "Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies? It's the last week, you know?" Now, in my head I'm thinking, "Bitch, please. I'm 572 pounds. Do I look like I NEED Girl Scout cookies?" But out of my mouth comes, "No, thank you. Maybe next time." That little demon is lucky I didn't bitch slap her. I don't care if her mom was there or not. I would have knocked her upside the head too. They got off easy... THIS TIME!
MUDDY WATERS IS REALLY OWNING ME RIGHT NOW. LOVE HIM. LOVE HIM. (It's not a statement. It's an order.)